The math of adult friendships

Valentine's day special edition ❤️

apartamento 710 is a monthly newsletter where I share notes and thoughts from my journal with the internet. I aspire to create a space that makes others feel like they are not alone in the journey to becoming a functional adult in this world. Welcome to apartamento 710, I hope you enjoy your stay!

I’ve been meaning to write about this topic for quite a long time. From writing about this in my journal to sharing voice notes with friends about this, I feel like I have been scrapping this entry together for months. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it felt right to talk about it now.

The math of adult friendships. Why are they so hard? Let’s talk about it.

A few years ago, I remember talking with my mom about how hard is to lose important people we love in different stages of life. She was going through a rough chapter in her life after saying goodbye to some of her close friends due to all kinds of differences. She told me that it was part of letting go of friends that we don’t have the same things in common anymore and that it was necessary to close old doors to open new ones. I remember feeling sad after our chat. I kinda resented her for saying that to me because although she was sharing her experiences with care and wisdom, I wasn’t ready to hear that it could come to a time when I would grow apart from some of my best friends.

As it happens, my mom was right and a few years later her words resonated in my life when one of my best friends from childhood and I stopped talking after more than 10 years of being friends. At that moment I remember being so confused, angry, and sad about the reason our friendship ended the way it did. I believe that sometimes friendship breakups hurt more like a romantic breakup but we don’t see them on the same level, romantic breakups sell better, and they have been so popular in movies, books, and media for as long as we exist as a society.

For a long time after losing this friendship, I spent quite some time disappointed and became a little bit of a cynic when it came to making new friends. Going through a breakup can lead us to become fearful of making new connections. It took me months to be ready to start socializing again, and to become open to the idea of making new friendships.

I think losing good friends is hard, but making new friends as an adult is harder.

When you are young, making friends is actually quite simple. You go to the same school or you live in the same block, and that proximity makes things so easy for you to keep the friendship with almost no commitment. As we grow older, we start to leave our homes and we go to different colleges, make new circles of friends, get married, and have kids. Friendship becomes a harder commitment. An investment of time and a lot of effort.

After moving to Vancouver in 2021, keeping old friends back home but also allowing the space to make new ones in Vancouver has been challenging. Making friends and building meaningful connections at this age is so rare.

Being far from home, makes me feel FOMO most of the time as I miss most birthday parties, weddings, and baby showers. Coordinating Facetime calls with friends gets harder with time as you are all so tired from work, so you end up sending a 5-minute voice note on WhatsApp that doesn’t hit the same way.

Although I’m always so busy and doing my own thing, there is a part of me that knows it is healthy to be creating new connections in this new place, so in the past three years of living in Vancouver, I have tried many things to create new circles of friendships:

• I joined a pottery class with other 10 members

• Joined a running club

• Downloaded Bumble BFF

• Send DMs through Instagram

• Commented on Tiktoks which led to coffee dates

• Attended networking events

All these initiatives have helped a lot, and I have been able to meet great people along the way. Sometimes you have to force yourself to go out of your comfort zone to do it because growing up is also realizing that everyone is tired by Friday and with the Canadian cold, going out at -5 is not the vibe. Again, making friends as an adult involves commitment.

Ilustration by Valeria Bueno

After these friendship breakups with friends from childhood, and the solitude that came with moving to this city, I started approaching new friendships in a much different way. This poem by Liz Gilbert always comforts me when I am meeting new people or I am about to embark on new situations. I keep coming back to it like a prayer that helps set my mind where I want it to be when I am about to meet someone.

I’ve decided to approach my new friendships with a mindset that allows me to create genuine, reciprocating relationships. As I get older, I want to invest my energy and time where I know the effort I put will flourish, after all, every relationship is like a plant that you have to treat with patience, also give it lots of space and light for it to grow.

May this be your reminder to stay soft and open to new relationships this year. Remember that making new, meaningful friendships and building community takes time so you have to be patient with yourself and others.

I’ve added a few resources that have helped with understand these new adult friendships I am making, the grief that comes after losing friends from childhood, and how to become more open to new experiences. Hope you enjoy them and they help you as much as they have helped me.

Books:

All about love by Bell Hooks

Be Not Afraid of Love: Lessons on Fear, Intimacy, and Connection by Mimi Zhu

Youtube:

How to make friends as an adult, Caroline Winkler

Podcast:

Good and bad relationships, Liz Tran

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Thanks so much for reading me today. Please send these words to anyone who you think will resonate with them. Happy Valentine's Day, angels!